Chaorce A.O.P.

After Earth was a bad, bad film. Like, mind blisteringly awful. As well as being a tragic rip off of Harry Harrison's Death World.

Just wanted to get that off my chest.

So I turned 35 recently. An odd repercussion of this is that when people say to me, 'hello, how old are you' and I say 'why, I just recently turned 35' their response trends (yes, trends - one thing I've learned since turning 35 is that if more than one person does something it's trending, which makes it sound very important and of course quite cool, whereas before it was a Zeitgeist or happenstance) ...trends to be "fuck off! " which nobody told me to look out for.

So anyway, I ate my cheese. Delicious and creamy outer layer, with a surprisingly chalky, putrid tasting core. Took me by surprise, but meshed itself in beautifully with the cheese as a whole.

I dreamt I was in my flat, but it had been slowly decaying, the tide of time taking its toll, it's lustre ebbing away.. Sell it someone was telling me, you'll still make a mint and buy a house with a garden!

I awoke, slightly phased, though this is not unusual as I seldom enjoy the brutality of waking up without a hangover and a job to go to, shrugged the dream off and went to the shower.

The shower rail bleeding went and did done come of me hand!! What the hell?? After a moments inspection, I could see a minuscule gap in a seal allowed water to slip through to the innards of the rail holder, slowly rusting the screw which eventually dissolved to nothing. No biggy, five minutes, took out the rusty stump, shiny new screw, rail back up safe as horses.

I continued about my day. I came home from work. I put the washing on. I took the washing out. I milled about a bit. The washing machine smells a bit weird, says she.. "By Jove, she's right!" I think to myself.. On closer inspection.. It's mouldy! Mouldy! How can this be??

It turns out, that which cleans, must be cleaned itself!

My mind has just been blown.

You have to clean washing machines??

So next day, I did. Nightmare cleaning the inside of those rubber seals, I tell you. For anyone interested I tried (interspersed with hot wash cycles) mould and mildew remover-limited success, vinegar-limited success, dylon washing machine cleaner-excellent! Good as new! And learnt once a month you need to put it on a hot cycle to kill off spores. So much for my eco friendly washing, if I have to put it on a 90 wash every couple of weeks anyway.

But this begs the question.. Have I found the dream cheese?? Do I listen to it and sell the flat?? I mean, that's quite a big thing! I've barely moved in! But life is big, right? I'm going to take this cheese again, and see what happens...

What do YOU think I should do??

Taste: 9/10
Dreaming 9/10

Parmesan

If you've only ever had the tub of pre grated sprinkly parmesan before, I thoroughly recommend investing in a wedge of quality Italian parmesan from your local cheesery. If you wish to look like you know what you are talking about, sweep in to the store with a cane and stamp it on the floor exclaiming "I demand some Parmigiano Reggiano, at once!"

It's quite sharp cheese on it's own, very hard and crumbly but really delicious. Yumm! I didn't dream though.. or did I? Maybe I am in a dream right now. Maybe you are in a dream? Are we all dreaming? In which case, what the hell are you doing reading this? Go para-glide down Olympus Mons or something, landing nonchalantly in a fabulous garden of cheese trees and roller skating cows before your dazzling admirers.

Either way, good cheese, no dreaming. I'd give this a solid 8 for deliciousness, a lamentable 0 for it's vision questery. A terrible shame. In fact from now on I've decided that perhaps a more consistent scoring mechanism is in order, so from now on I shall be giving two ratings. (I'll back fill the rest when I get around to it)

Taste: 8/10
Dreaming: 0/10

Stinking Bishop - Here be Dæmons

It seemed inocuous enough, this small slither of yellow rubber.. and yet it has the power to unlock the terrors in your mind, to let the dæmons of old roam with gay abandon recklessly shaking and rattling your soul like it were some kind of maracas.

I peered through the window of the innocent looking cheese shop in Liverpool Street we had chanced upon. Cheese - so much cheese I just had to go in and try some. A delicious Comte, fantastic chedder.. and something a bit different.

"Oh a Stinking Bishop? Why no, I never have tried one."

I can imagine the shop keepers face breaking into a wide grin as we leave, quickly cleaving his head in two to reveal the dark entity within before a brimstone laden blast of smoke propels him back to the underworld.

We try it as a group, it's an odd tasting cheese, a bit foul really but in an intersting kind of way. I persevere where the other give in and take the rest home to eat with my dinner. I tried it in an omelette, which frankly didn't work, but I shrugged and continued.. it wasn't too bad either. After a long day I was tired, and resolved to head for an early night.

Swirling blackness soon fell upon me shutting out life's light..

Good for dreams, if you like to have a terrible nightmare experience. Is this part of the vision quest? The dæmons still prowl the passageways of my mind.. mayhaps there is still some extinguishing to be done. Perchance this is part of the journey...

9/10

Amazing competition!

:O

My GOD this is so important!

Paddy Wex for the win!

http://www.britishcheese.com/competition

The label is around here somewhere

I'm standing on an oil rig. There are loads of guys here, and we're all taking our clothes off to stage some kind of protest. I feel a bit nervous, but I start to take my kit off anyway. That will show them! The women watch as we make our point. A couple of the other guys dive into the water. I take a deep breath, drop my pants and hurl them aside. Doubt crosses my mind again and for a moment I hesitate before taking small steps forwards.. Suddenly resolute I break into a run as I approach the edge of the platform, and leap...

Wow! That was pretty gay! Though I saw a beautiful girl today and almost gave myself a hernia so I don't think I'll be swapping teams just yet. (definitely been single too long though!)

I suppose there are some obvious meanings in this dream.. not quite sure how they fit into life right now but definitely a step in the right direction here cheese! Good cheese actually. I think it was a type of Comte - slightly nutty and earthy in flavour. The label was on it in the fridge but I can't find it right now. D'oh!

So for now let's go for: it was some variety of Comte.

9/10

Cheesonnet

OK so this was going to be about Caerphilly. Now I'm open to the possibility that this was a poorly selected Caerphilly, but in short it was a flavourless mass of fat with an entirely unredeeming texture. My friends were there and joined in the experiment and they said so too. I was so unimpressed by it that, as you can see, I haven't even bothered putting it's name in the title.

So to cut to the chase:

0/10

As an aside, never eat half a jar of olives and then run 8 miles as I have just done. It's just not a good idea.

SO! On to the main topic today - What is a Cheesonnet? Well, let us say it is the poetry of life. It is like the blowing of the wind, or the fall of rain. In other words it happens to us and around us, though it is not often put down on paper. It is a branch of poetry with very strict rules governing it's classification - not any poem can easily become a Cheesonnet. It must have words in it and be about cheese being on something, possibly with or without verses and it must have a title. G. K. Chesteron would have been really pleased to discover it.

A Cheesonnet is already a feature of your life and makes your life better. For example: risottos, Doritos, circular bread base with tomatoes, pasta and ragu, ham on toast, salad, sex.. the list goes on. It is a relatively new branch of poetry, and you can read the first ever one right here, right now:

Yellow leaves come showering down
To the red hot steaming molten ground
To a tumultuous mass of red yellow and brown 

A Claret swirled in anticipation
Candle flickers, tension ebbs away
Eyes lock, lips curl

I call it "Bolognese on a Friday night with your girlfriend"

Cheese on toast

Haddaway once asked us, "What is love?"

When he first asked this question of me, I was perhaps 14 years old. Back then, I loved my Amiga and the thought that one day we'd have jet packs or at least skate boards like in Back to The Future. I now know, this is not what he was asking.

As we all steadily trundle towards oblivion, I'm sure this question forms itself in all of our minds sooner or later. Perhaps when our thoughts have been possessed by lovers, or friends, or beautiful strangers.. Though our seemingly infinite universe with it's many wonders and questions (some of which even Brian Cox cannot answer) is slowly unravelling it's secrets to humanity, parts of our own basic nature are still a bit of a mystery.

What place in our universe of laws for love? Sure I love cheese, but do I love cheese? I don't lie awake at night worrying about cheese, or where it is, if it's happy, or who it is with and what they are doing. Well, I did once, but I broke the golden rule of fondue. (It was doing something really wrong in my stomach and seemed uncertain which end it wanted to leave from. I was really quite concerned) But I suppose it's out there, getting eaten. Possibly, hopefully, grilled onto a delicious pizza.

I suppose the scientist in me might say love is natures way of making us hang around other people and make sure they don't get eaten by something much bigger than us with sharp teeth. Or when they are hungry going off and finding something much smaller than us that we can take in a fight if we have a board with a nail in it. Survival, right? So we need love to survive, but ultimately, it could get us killed. Which brings me neatly onto the subject of cheese on toast.

I come home late. My beer scooter ran out of juice some 2 miles down the road and I had to walk the rest of the way. As I enter the front door, I hear thunder crack the sky and moments later the rain cascades down, relentlessly washing away the fug of the outside world. I can scarcely focus. I've had a lot of gin. And cider. And beer. And probably a jagerbomb or two that I'll remember about in the morning. Things could get ugly any moment. The only thing keeping me on my feet is a single overwhelming desire.

My heart beats faster as I enter the room. I open the door unceremoniously. I have come for one thing and I am going to get it. And there it is. A glorious, beautiful truckle of delicious tangy cheddar cheese. I am definitely in love. This truckle is my love, my light tonight. Four slices of cheese on toast I make that night. That's right, FOUR. When I examined the situation in the morning, looked like about 200g of cheese was missing. That's a lot of cheese. Truly delicious it was too.

To cut to the chase though - no dreams. It was all for nawt. My carefully planned experiment yielded no results. Shame really but that's life for you.

So what is love? Did we get to the bottom of that? I don't know. But this is nice:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cbGwfasivNQ

I have to give cheese on toast a lowly:

1/10


Well it did taste damn good!

Cambozola (blue brie)

Smooth. Very smooth. Not very strong of flavour. It's like a ladies brie I would say.

So I was looking at the previously mentioned cheese quotes (some classic stuff here) and I noticed this quote:

“Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.” 
― G.K. Chesterton, Alarms and Discursions

Well. Have they indeed? It just so happens that I am a poet and I think I will now be addressing Mr Gilbert Chestertons concerns on the matter:

Dappled sunlight strokes my face, my eyes
The rustle of leaves caresses my ears
A wind breathes softly like a lovers sigh

I long to touch your soft skin,
For your taste upon my lips
To feel your comfort deep within

I miss your smell,
And to see you glisten in the sunlight
But alas, I have no cheese

See now that only took me 2 minutes too. Work of art. I call it: "Picnic without any cheese is bloody down right disappointing"

So last night I dreamt that the Scottish were out to get us all. Quite simply it was a cull, if you were not Scottish, you were a goner.

"Eh, arrr yoo Scott-ish?"
"Err... Ay?"
"Okey dokey then!"


Phew! Avoided certain death there.. But something has to be done! If only I knew where my sword was.. It's not in the house, of that I'm sure. "But it is in the house!" she says. I take a moment to regard that face I know so well. I don't trust her.. The sword must be outside somewhere. Fearfully, I venture into the street. She tries to stop me but I ignore her tiresome bleating. To hell with you foul succubus! Outside it is quiet, overcast and cool and barely a soul in site. I walk on, eyes darting for the tell tale sign of a bloody thirsty Scot.. And then I see one, wild ginger hair, bagpipes kilt and all.

Blast it, where did I leave that sword?? It's not that woman's leg... (..? I have no idea but it made some kind of sense as I dreamt it.)

This makes no sense to me now whatsoever but a good effort by Cambozola:

9/10

Blue Shropshire

"If only women were like cheese, I'd consume a really delicious one whole and die happy!"


I'm not sure who said that, (me possibly, I just googled it and it came up with STD symptoms and this quote that I quite like - "A meal without some cheese is like a beautiful woman with only one eye") but it's odd how the things we love we want to consume. Not necessarily by ingesting it, obviously, I've never met a woman I ever wanted to eat but I guess if I ever feel that way about someone I'll know I've met The One.


So anyway, Blue Shropshire. It's an interesting golden colour with really strong blue veins running through it. No messing about with this one, I just stuck it on some Ryvita and knocked that sucker back. It's quite creamy with a lingering tasty fizz on the tongue.

Sometimes when I'm eating cheese, or in fact wandering about or doing anything at all really, I think to myself how the world is full of very odd people. I meet them everyday. Some of them think I'm odd, and they tell me so, or I can see by the way their beady eyes narrow as I stand there talking about my favourite things or offering my opinions about the threads of life that weave themselves around us like some ill fitting Christmas jumper from your aunt that you're not too comfortable with and has a ghastly motif. But I like these odd people, and as I sit here listening to Madonna (what?) I realise I'd be terribly bored without them.

Anyway, the cheese was entirely ineffective. Schaden.

I guess that means...

0/10

Red Leicester

Ah, the woes of the heart continue. Fortuitously, cheese is the pillow of the heart so I'll be OK, mostly!

It's quite a nice cheese, not 100 miles away from Cheddar actually with a deep red colour and very slightly nutty flavour. I am dissappointed to learn that the colour comes not from an intense hallucinegen but in fact from Annatto. Obviously. Though looking at the Wikipedia picture it could well have those properties.

Well, I did dream. I was in a night club. I don't remember what music was playing, but then suddenly Rage Against the Machine comes on and my work mate comes leaping in and head banging like crazy. Which I guess is fine but he's a Carpenters fan. Anyway, that's it. I can't really pick out any useful meanings from this sadly, which is a shame as I could use a few pointers in life right now!

Ah well, I shall have to make my own way without the benefit of cheesey wisdom.

So, although a memorable dream, not much to be gleened from it. So I would say Red Leicester gets...

4/10

Halloumi

Why has there been no cheese blog for so long I hear you ask?

Well, halloumi to explain...

Ahahahaha I'm so funny.

SO halloumi, in case you don't know, is the closest thing to plastic you could ever eat. It's like really, really salty plastic. I think they use it for window wipers, judging by the sound it makes when you slice it. Once you've sliced it (I would recommend fairly thick slices) you grill the sucker, or bbq it if you can - that's best. Once it's a lovely golden brown on both sides you eat it. Make sure you eat it hot! MMMmmm. You don't need to eat it with anything, although typically I find I have it with large amounts of meat. Probably red wine. Maybe some olives. Actually no. Definitely have it with olives.

Anyway, it's quite delicious of course. I ate loads. Certainly more than the 50g quota.

However..



I didn't have any dreams.

So:

1/10

It tastes nice so 0 seemed a bit harsh

NO cheese!

So I'm in a room. It's me now, and I'm talking to me, the old me, this kid of maybe 12 years old.. Well, it's him talking at me, actually - he seems so smart! He keeps going on about these crazy ideas and interests he has.. What a strange little chap. I stand there mutely, wondering where he gets it all from and what happened.

Interesting.

I'd like to tell you a cheese joke at this point, but I'm not very fondue them.

Ho ho ho!

Wanas Adel (Ikea cheese!)

So Ikea describe it thus:

A creamy and soft, yet piquant, blue cheese. Serve on ginger thins, crispbread or crackers, perhaps with a glass of wine. The product is organic.

I would say that they can add to this, something short and snappy such as:


.. and will induce cheese vision quests.



So I was with a lady at this picnic, only it wasn't really a picnic because there were loads and loads of stalls of food. More like a market. But it was a picnic. It wasn't a free picnic, but for some reason I could take anything I wanted. Only that some things, I felt I should give something for, and generally felt I shouldn't take things for nothing, even though I could. So anyway there may have been some fruit eating or some such.. I'm a bit vague on that part..

Then for some reason we're at a fenced area. There were people trying to climb the fence, and the top of the fence had barbs and nails. A naked boy was trying to climb over, but he couldn't do it alone. I tried to help him but he was scared and didn't trust me to do it without hurting him on the nails and barbs and such but I just climbed up and after some edgy moments with the nails I got him over unharmed anyway. He then seemed quite proud of me, and told me he was amazed at how fast I had grown. Then some other things happened.

Interesting.

So.. Wanas Adel, or ÄDELOST WANÅS:

10/10

Cheese Medley

Bill Bailey is standing next to me. He's angry, his hair is in a wild dissarray, his friendly chubby face scrunched into a goblin like glare of malice. He is pointing at the board, and he is not impressed, despite my reasonable score.

"You haven't even tried" he says. I square up to him, despite his intimidating 6ft 4 frame. I struggle to find words, a suitable excuse. All that rolls through my mind is that if it's so easy, why should I try? But I know this wont wash with Mr Bailey.

"I've done enough" I say with outward conviction, but inside I am shamed and I know how feeble this sounds. I instantly regret this move. There is some mental grappling between myself and Bill, perhaps we are meeting somewhere out there in the astral plane, but I refuse to defend myself as I know he is right.

I let him vent his anger, anger fuelled by my silent acquiescence. I vow to prove him wrong.

And then I wake up.

And that, my friends, is why it is a bad idea to mix cheese. You just don't know what the effects will be.

There was another part to this, but it escapes me at the moment.. Perhaps it will come back tonight. But I think that there is something to be learned from Bill's anger.

So unknown mixed cheese medley:

10/10

(plus a lot of booze of course, including mad dogs)

Bavarian Smoked

So, apparently, I need to get off with this woman at work.

Now.... listen cheese, and listen to me good. Have you seen this woman, or, pray tell, ever spoken to her?

No.

Well, I have. I mean, you know, she's OK and all that but really? It's not going to help, there is no way.

Now I know what you are thinking - the cheese has given you a sign, a sign you have been seeking. It is the lantern of truth, the font of enlightenment, the scrying bowl of serendipity. But I ask you, how does one interpret such a sign? How does one interpret a carefully crafted poem or fine oil painting? People can tell you it is one thing, but it is up to you to know, to feel in your fibres, your mortal soul, it is up to YOU, to know the truth to what it means to you.

And I can tell you, as sure as oranges are actually green*, that I should definitely NOT get off with this woman. It is a sign that that would be a bad move. This dream is telling me, you think it's bad now? Well try THIS one out for size!

Although... Maybe, just maybe, in the way a chess master will sacrifice his pawn, or even his queen, there could be some long playing tactical advantage in fulfilling this dark prophecy.. Only time, and likely half a bottle of rum, can tell for certain.

Anyway, I remembered that last night. It was actually from the Bonbel, but I understandably forgot about it. The Bavarian was rubbish - no effect at all. I'm sure of that. The Bonbel doesn't get an upgraded rating though, because of the trauma caused.

0/10


*It's true. Just google it.

Bonbel

Pretty much the same as a mini baby bell. I dropped a couple of rounds and waited for a cheesey enlightenment on lifes current predicaments.

"But what predicaments could you possibly be going through, oh great Shaman of Cheese?" you ask.

Well, brew yourself a mug of tea, sit back, relax, and I will tell you.

Basically, there is this girl. It's gone quite wrong.

There, I think that's probably enough information about that for now. So there you have it. Now where logic and reasoning has failed or made things worse*, I have full confidence that cheese will open my ears to the whisperings of the cosmos, whisperings that will settle my mind, fortify my spirit, guide my hand and silver my tongue. All will be well...

Sadly, this was not the cheese I was looking for. Boo!

0/10

Fortunately, I have some Bavarian smoked cheese to try tonight, so it's not all bad.


*It is important to note - this was my logic and reasoning..

I don't remember

But I got it for my birthday. It is the mouldiest looking cheese I've ever seen. It looks as though it can both cure and inflict several diseases in one mouthful. It tasted like how you would imagine a furry slice of green bread to taste from that loaf you forgot to throw away before you went on holiday. Gagging and wretching are expected, and indeed considered good form, when you put this stuff in your mouth. Anyone around the table with a modicum of decency will flat refuse to go near it lest the smell on your fingers lingers for the few weeks and all bacteria in your stomach is massacred by the alien invaders of this trojan cheese horse.

In short, it was delicious.

And what did this cheese reveal to me?

Well. For one, I dreamt the perfect egg mayonnaise recipe, and that's something of a result! I'm willing to send it to people for a mere £5 donation..

I also dreamt that my brother had this crazy grey quiff, and my sister got married. But the egg mayo recipe is really the clincher here.

It's a remarkable cheese, but I still think it could be topped. So I will give it...

9/10

Havarti

I've just necked a ton of Havarti. I've also just had a hot toddy.

Find out the exciting results tomorrow!

.....


OK now it's tomorrow, and very nearly the day after that. So Havarti. What happened? I mean, seriously, what happened? I woke up a couple of short hours after going to sleep and generally had a restless night. I did dream, but I don't really remember much about it. So there you go. I don't think Havarti is the cheese I'm looking for..

2/10

Saint Augere

Ok, this has got to be the last strong blue cheese for a while. They are all beginning to taste the same. I mean, it's pretty good, but it's strong, and it needs harnessing.

Dreams, pretty hazy. Quite mixed up without much definition, apart from one moment which I'm not sure I want to publish to the world. There is someone I know though, who I will have trouble looking in the eye the next time I see them.

Still, it had some kind of effect, so...

5/10

Leerdammer

Oh my! I've been slacking with my cheese eating. Well, the cheese eating has been going pretty well, but the writing about my adventures with cheese has been very poor. So I'll try and be brief with a few cheeses I've had lately..

So Leerdammer. Quite tasty. Pretty good on it's own. Ability to harness the powers of the universe - not bad. I had a dream about a huge, frikkin enormous in fact, waterfall. It was in a sort of semi circle of some kind and there was a big queue of people and we had to ride some kind of inflatable blue pillow (possibly a seat, or an arm band? I can't quite remember..) in the rapids and over the edge. And I had to go first - gasp!! I was boning up to do it, and then, as I built up the nerve to go and set off towards the precipice...

I woke up.

DAMN YOU LEERDAMMER!!!

8/10

Gorgonzola Picante

Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas. And what a fine time Christmas is for stuffing your face with cheese!

Well with Gorgonzola we're wrapping up the stilton type family of cheeses for now.. To be honest, it reminded me a lot of Roquefort.. It's a bit strong on it's own so the tried and trusted black cherry conserve can to the rescue. Pretty damned good stuff.

Anyway, I can tell you this - it gets plus points for slightly erotic dreams, but minus points because they were pretty weird. Maybe that's just the mindset I was in that night. I dunno.. I'm thinking a cocktail of cheeses might be required to tailor dreams to specific outcomes. Perhaps Gorgonzola and Gruyère? Will the dream tempering effects of the Gruyère take away the weirdness and make it all lovely and nice? I will let you know. In the meantime... Gruyere gets:

6/10

If my next testing results in less weirdness... maybe I'll upgrade it to a 7.

Gruyère

"A pleasant morning to you my good man! I think I'll have 100g of some milk that's been curdled by the extracts of an animals stomach then left in a cave for several months, possibly years!"

And behold! I was in possession of some fine Gruyère. Slightly nutty tasting, just like it said on the label! Delicious. But sadly, completely useless as a conduit to the astral plane.

Because it tasted so nice though, I can't bare to give it a 0, so... it gets:

1/10

Roquefort bites back..

So when I woke up this morning it was on the back of a very weird dream. I was on an aeroplane, possibly flying it though.. perhaps on top of it (I can't really read my delirious scrawlings from my notepad). More significantly my feet were totally messed up.. it was like my toes had big chunks missing out of them. Like they'd been hollowed slightly. But the thing is I knew they'd be OK and probably heal up all right, I just needed a bit of time out to let them recover.

SO there you have it. Perhaps Roquefort has a cumulative effect? Perhaps two nights of Roquefort was what was required? What enlightenment have I gained from this cheese board of acumen? Well that one I have to ponder over...

In the meantime, do I revise my grade of 3 for the Roquefort? I think a retrial is in order. I shall wait a week or two and do it again.

Stay tuned my cheese fiends!

Roquefort

If old socks tasted delicious, then this is what they would be!

I found myself an unpasteurised sample. It looked ridden with tasty clumps of green mould.. I sampled it on it's own. Pretty good, but this bad boy needed something to go with it. I had it on some Finn Crisps (they're a bit like a thin Ryvita) with.. wait for it... Black Cherry Conserve. The conserve just came to me in a flash of inspiration. It was the best damn cracker I've had in a long time. I recommend it.

Anyway, so here's your Roquefort factoids - first one is an excerpt from Wikipedia: 

Legend has it that the cheese was discovered when a youth, eating his lunch of bread and ewes' milk cheese, saw a beautiful girl in the distance. Abandoning his meal in a nearby cave, he ran to meet her. When he returned a few months later, the mould (Penicillium roqueforti) had transformed his plain cheese into Roquefort.

Fascinating stuff, I'll think you'll agree. And I think we all know where this penicillium roqueforti came from. That's right. From the cave.

Second factoid: Blue Stilton is made with the same mould. Is this mould responsible for cheese dreams? Was the test last night a success?

In short, no. I vaguely remember that I had a dream but I have no idea what it was about. I am, however, retesting tonight. Mostly because I am in bed right now and I had a lot left over and I just ate loads of crackers with the rest of the Roquefort and the black cherry conserve. Seriously, that stuff was amazing.

Anyway, I am giving Roquefort...

3/10

I did dream something. Maybe. Check back tomorrow for the results of the retesting...

Stilton

The obvious choice to start with is Cheddar. I, however, decided on some nice mature Stilton from Marks & Spencers because I was there and it was there.

Interestingly enough, Stilton happens to be a cheese regularly associated with dreams. A quick bit if googling reveals that the British Cheese Board conducted a survey on Stilton and it's effects on dreaming, with the majority of people experiencing odd and vivid dreams after just a 20g helping before bed time. There's an article on this in Wikipedia, and also a poem!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stilton_cheese#Effect_on_dreaming

20g? That's nothing! I went for 50, and here are my findings:

It tasted quite nice. The rind gave a real sucker punch of flavour and benefited from a swig of port. It was creamy, slightly nutty and has a long lasting after taste. Possibly not the most sociable of cheeses! I readied my self for bed, hit the sack, and opened my mind to the delivery of the secrets of the universe through the conduit of Stilton....

I haven't had many dreams of late, and certainly none in past several days. I can report however that I DID dream that night though it wasn't a particularly vivid dream.. Something to do with being in a car and there was something about the wind screen. And some other stuff happened.

So there we have it. Conclusive, indisputable proof. Stilton does possibly improve your chances of dreaming, but not by much.

Verdict:

• Definite increase in dream activity
• Not particularly revealing about the secrets of the universe

So on my cheese dream scale, I am going to give Stilton:

5/10

Incidentally...

Have spent some time researching the topic* and reviewing the numerous variables involved in such an experiment the conditions I will be subjected to are outlined below:

• Quantity of cheese consumed will be approximately 50g. That sounds like a reasonable amount.
• The cheese must be eaten with it's rind whenever possible. Some cheese wont have rind, or I wont be able to get it, so you know. What can I do?
• Crackers will be permitted. Probably Ryvitas.
• Port is definitely Ok, as it is scientificly proven to be tasty with cheese.
• I considered doing the experiment using cheese as a suppository for the increased absorbence into the system that suppositories provide. I have decided to stick to the traditional method of cheese ingestion.
• Sherry is OK too, but not as OK as port. Only really to be used when the port is out of reach.
• I think I'm going to join a gym.
• There was something else but I can't remember what it was.

(edit)

• I just remembered. Yeah so grilling the cheese could change it's properties somewhat. I may extend the experiment into this  area at some point. I'll see how it goes.
• Also is in the event of success, the SAME cheese will be retested a week after the initial experiment in order to ascertain it's reliability as a medium into the subconscious and my Shamanic trances

*10 minutes in google

The quest begins!

Today is the day that my important research begins! Armed with myths, a cheese book lent to me by friend, and of course, some cheese, I will tonight begin conducting this important scientific experimentation into the effects of cheese on sleep and dreams. I am using myself as a subject, since my application to the government for a grant to finance my research was sadly unsuccessful.

I'm sure most people have heard that cheese can improve your likelihood of dreaming (or remembering your dreams) and over the course of the coming weeks and months the world will know conclusively the truth behind the myths. Cheese is also often attributed to horrendous nightmares so I'll let you know how that works out too..

Speaking of which, and sidetracking slightly, once, several years ago, I had a lot of trouble sleeping for various reasons. So one day I went down to waitrose and bought myself some night milk or sleepy milk or something of that nature, where they milk the cows at night. The idea is the milk has more melatonin in it, therefore you sleep better. I've never had such vivid, torturous nightmares in all my life. I never touched the stuff again. Just so you know.

Also I will be practising the art of lucid dreaming as I can kill two birds in one stone here. In case you don't know, lucid dreaming is supposedly where you realise you are dreaming but can then take control of your dreams and shape them in any way you want. If you've ever hit the point in a dream that you realise you are dreaming then woken up almost straight away afterwards, that's the sweet spot. Just don't wake up, and an army of leggy models are going to be your sole companions on your long trip out to Betelgeuse..

Apparently you can dream lucidly every night, the trick is to have a 'trigger' in your dream that tells you.. this is a dream. It could be a banana wearing a hat, a green sheep, whatever. Or, perhaps, even.... Cheese!